From Betrayal -------> to Trust

In the process of my wide reading, I came across an article that I felt was helpful to any social being. “Betrayal, Trust, and Forgiveness: A guide to emotional healing and Self-renewal.” I read the introductory story and I could not believe my eyes this was the story of my friend. I vividly remembered the story and could relate it to the story of Karen and Joe in the article. 

Doreen and Mathew were good friends for such a long time during our college life. After university, they decided to open a company together and they were doing just great. One day they decided to take a business trip and while at a beach hotel one evening, Mathew confessed his love for Doreen. Deep within her, Doreen had the feeling that Mathew was seeing another woman and she felt she knew who it was. Mathew denied it and told Doreen that there was no one else in the picture and did not even have a girlfriend.  After so much pressure from Mathew, Doreen gave in despite the fact that she could not believe that there wasn’t someone else in the picture. “May be I am just being paranoid”. She said to herself .One evening when they had already become an “item”, Mathew said to Doreen, “You remember our first night at the beach hotel? Well, you were right! I was still seeing joy and she is occasionally in my life. I was just afraid of losing you that night.”

Betrayal is shattering. One goes through so many Emotions unconsciously. The first being resentment and a desire for revenge wishing that the betrayer can hurt at least as much as we hurt. At this stage we don’t even confront the betrayer however we continue to hurt deeply. “How could he (or she) do this to me?” “It’s just not fair,” or “I don’t deserve to be treated like this!” These types of thoughts fuel the desire for vengeance or vindication. If we do not deal with resentment stage, then we get to denial where we only see negative traits in the betrayer. We deny that there is any good in them that might redeem them in our eyes. We find ourselves saying “I always knew she (or he) was self-centered and inconsiderate.” Gradually we find ourselves in Cynicism saying things like “That’s just like a man” or “You know how women are.” Healing personal betrayal wounds that have progressed into cynicism requires that we confront our generalizations, including those that take the form of sexism, racism, prejudice, and bigotry. Cynicism injures one’s faith in oneself and we get to Self - Betrayal. We ask ourselves, “How could I have been so blind, so stupid?”  We can no longer trust ourselves; we betray our most cherished dreams and desires. We find ourselves saying “I’ll never love again,” “Love hurts too much.” You feel cut off from yourself, out of touch with who you are, and what matters most to you. You stop listening to yourself and acting on your own behalf. Self-betrayal, and the pain of loneliness that it brings, is at the core of most betrayal experiences. Finally if we cannot redeem ourselves we collapse into always being paranoid.  At this stage the world is perceived as a hostile place in which one is left to fend for themselves .Always afraid of being hurt again. This is as far from trust as one can possibly get. I just hope you are not here by now.But if you are, there is always a fresh page in life to start all over again.

Betrayal is universal in nature and has such a tremendous power. It feels bigger than you, and seems to have a life of its own. Whether your lover let you down, your co-worker stabbed you in the back, or your life has been shattered in one way or another , you can get past the pain and agony of betrayal and build a new life based on truth and Self-trust. Many of us take this traditional route through resentment, denial of the positive, cynicism, and self-betrayal to descend into a paranoid world of fear, control, and manipulation. The five ordeals of betrayal become traps-emotional snares that impede our growth and block our experience of wholeness.  As hard as it is to shift your attention away from your betrayer, this is the time to focus on you, your values, your needs, and your truth. Instead of spending time and energy obsessing about your betrayer, devote that time and energy to yourself and your growth process.

<------ Its time to me put together the pieces.

Reference: Dr. Beth Hedva 2002 “Betrayal, Trust, and Forgiveness: A guide to emotional healing and Self-renewal.”