Father on Chistmas Day

                                                 FATHER_on CHRISTMAS _day.

Christmas time is always special to so many people in the world. It is the time of the year when you get to see and merry with friends and loved ones. As usual I always love driving to my grandmother’s place. Shopping senselessly and buying everything I come across; either I need it or not (That’s why my love for January has never been real). So this Christmas was even better; I got a chance to drive home with a very special woman in my life. For a cool 1^.5 hour the ‘Matatu drivers’ in me was surpressed by the love of my passenger on board. 

On our way home ,we passed by ‘Mzee’s’ home town to pick some fruits ; so I slowed down  and pulled off { wamama kukimbia nayo?} I could barely see anything for they had covered my face with the merchandise. One lady caught my attention though, she called me by my second name which I rarely use ; ‘ Ndunge! Is that you? Mwiitu wa Muthuka! Is that you? You have never changed? You still look the same after so many years …….’ I panicked. There can't be someone who knows me here.  Emotions ran high,  wondering what?. ‘You look so much like Faith …’ she continued. Now what? Who is Faith? I almost asked. (a story for another day) The excitement was so evident on this lady that I had to interrupt…. OK. Who are you? I gathered myself and asked. I am your neighbor just next to Mzees farm. Ooohh…. I acted to recall (I had no idea what she was talking about). Doing my math’s very fast. I asked. ‘Where is Mzee ?’. She hesitated, changed her face, stepped and leaned off the car…. Looking at me like she was pushing back something. She took a deep breath .It dawned to her that she had gotten herself into trouble. She looked at me deeply like she was asking a question straight to my heart.  You mean, you don't know?’ She took another deep breath and said ‘He passed on. In 2008. she continued’ My world ended for several seconds. What? I asked. 2008? OK. I thanked her  for the information and behaved 'No big deal '.

Very fast I bought a few things from her and drove off! Accelerating at 140KM/H.... on my speedometer. Switched off the music and drove. My passenger was unusually calm. Either she was negotiating her future with God or watching keenly just in case she had to explain what actually killed her. After some serious drive, I took a deep breath  and slowed down…..For everyone to know and from the depth of my heart I did it......  ‘MY FATHAER IS DEAD! Yes he is DEAD (Laughing and shouting at the same time ) . After screaming this out , I was relieved, really relieved. No tears all this time. All I felt was feelingless. Yes feeling-less . Just before you form an opinion about me. Wait! Yes I may be mean and heartless at times. But what else could I have done. 

I had prayed for the old man since I could remember, I always told God to keep him until the day I would be ready to meet him. But I was a coward, yes a big coward. I feared so many things would happen, from rejection to attachment. It was clear now that my prayer was not going to happen ever. In 2008 (the year he passed on) I had started this major search, the search for a man I only knew in pictures. A man that gave me a surname. A man whose blood ran in my veins (tissues please…) But the reality was that he was no more. He had missed in my life, He was missing in my life, and he would miss in my whole life. He is still very special in my life. Rest in Peace Mr. Joseph Muthuka and Happy Fathers day  for all the days I never had the chance to say that .

To all the fathers out there, we love you; you mean the world to us .For whatever reason you do not have to remain missing in our lives. Brush our hairs, teach us footballs, teach us something new, hold our hands, play with us, kiss us goodnight just make us feel special. That is all we ask for. We may never want any explanation after all.

Prepared by Dinah Muthuka

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